The State of The Onion

Online parody newspaper The Onion used to be a regular stop along the way through a very long list of bookmarks around here - if not daily, then weekly. For some reason, it's lost much of its appeal - it must be hard to write satire that is consistently good.

They seem to come out with their best stuff in the beginning of the year as evidenced by this classic from a few years back - F**k Everything, We're Doing Five Blades (this seems even funnier now).

In preparation for this evening's State of the Union speech, a quick visit seemed in order.

Bush Rushing To Get Nation In Order Before Hu Jintao's Visit

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush announced in a hastily arranged press conference Monday that he wanted to make the entire country "as presentable as possible" for visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, who was scheduled to arrive for a five-day state visit in a matter of hours.
"I knew he was coming, but I didn't realize he was coming today—just look at this place," said a visibly flustered Bush, as he and his Secret Service detail hurriedly picked up trash along Interstate 66 near Arlington, VA. "We got the area around the [National] Mall spotless, but now it just makes the rest of the city look worse. There are homeless people cluttering up our streets—and not just here, but in Denver and San Francisco, too."

"It's humiliating how much we let this place go," Bush added.

Bush said he blocked out all of Saturday afternoon "to get our great nation looking halfway decent" before Hu's visit, but he soon became overwhelmed as he realized how much more needed to be done.

"The more I try to straighten up, the more problems I find," Bush said. "Look at all this sprawl around Chicago and Atlanta. What a disaster! Well, they have approximately four hours to pick it up. Hu's landing at Andrews Air Force Base at six."

Yes, it's hard to write good satire consistently - pictures help. Hu's coming to town?

CIA Director Quietly Buys Nuclear Attack Insurance

BETHESDA, MD—According to sources at the Allstate Insurance Company, CIA Director Michael Hayden purchased nuclear-attack insurance Wednesday, paying a $100,000 monthly premium for his homes in suburban Washington, Pittsburgh, and near Cheyenne Mountain, CO.

"It's a typical nuclear policy that protects the insured from damages caused by fallout—pretty straightforward, though at that monthly rate, I don't usually sell too many of them," said Bethesda, MD–based Allstate agent Gary Rutter, adding that Hayden paid for the first premium with a certified bank check to guarantee that the policy would take effect no later than next Monday.

"After he purchased the insurance, he asked again if everything was set for Monday. I assured him it was, and then he left." Insurance agents throughout the D.C. area reported selling 35 such policies in the last week, all to high-ranking government officials.

Getting a little better...

Relations Break Down Between Us and Them

That's always a safe bet - Rumsfeld with no story to muck things up. What more do you really need after a picture like this?

Coming up on the one-year anniversary of a seminal event in the world of monetary policy, it should be clear why The Onion first drew favor here some time ago.

Greenspan Retiring

Since then, little has measured up.