Reader's Digest Funny Stuff

A relative has purchased Reader's Digest for our household for so many years now that it continues to show up, month after month, as if it's free - it's not. With 12.5 million copies per month and 44 million readers, its circulation trails only the AARP membership publication in the general magazine category.

They have some of the best humor available in print, much of it submitted by readers, such as the always popular "Humor in Uniform". A recent issue contained a compilation of the fifty funniest jokes of all time.

The entire set is available online - some of the best ones are reproduced here:

Timing Is Everything
"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."

-- Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)

What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Happy Hour...With a Twist
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"

More Happy Hour
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. "Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. "Elation," he replied.

"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

What's Black and White and ...
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

-- Steven Wright

A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"

The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?" "No," says the bum.

The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?" Again the bum says, "No."

So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Blue Collar Comedy
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"

Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:

1. The tires on that truck are too big.
2. I thought Graceland was tacky.
3. Duct tape won't fix that!
   

The Usual Suspects
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

It's a safe bet that, historically, walking into a bar is about the funniest way to start a sentence.